Monday, April 30, 2012

Back from Hiatus

deep breath. ok, I can do this.

this is what I told myself when a set of giganto waves rushed there way towards me. (giganto meaning 4 ft high... I know HUGE!...right?) this is also what I told my self four minutes ago as I sat down to right this post. Basically I tell myself this every single day: running, biking, homework, going to work, school, sleep etc. it's all the same. a deep long sighing breath and then a motivational phrase such a s "yo go gurrl!" or "you got this!"

but lately, everything hasn't been ok. I've been feeling lost, worthless, and off track.
all this time I've been running from a panic attack. There's been one around the corner everywhere I go in everything I do. Nothing drastic has happened in my life, except that NOTHING has happened. I've been on this plateau in life where nothing seems to be going ANYWHERE. I left my blog in the dust, I'm STILL living paycheck to paycheck, I've been "slacking" on school (still getting A's, no worries), work is monogamous, and worst yet (in my pov) I haven't PR'd in running for 1 month. Actually, I seem to be getting worse. This past week I literally ran myself into injury (both my heels are stiff and piercing with pain with every step) and I'm 6 days away from my first race ever. so I got to this point in my life where all I see is the bad, and everything sucks.

this is what I was thinking as I sat in the water today holding on for dear life as HUGE waves where coming my way. and that's when I had a panic attack. I closed my eyes (dummy) and I cried. I finally stopped running from my panic attacks and just sat there and let it happen, and boy did it feel amazing! Seriously, I know it's not common to hear "woo hoo, I love'd that panic attack!" but this one was belated. It was less about the deadly waves and more about a release. I let out all the fear, anger, anxiety, and stress that I've been holding up inside me for TOO LONG. After six or seven waves of that it was over. The water had settled and everything was calm. the quiet after the storm. It was done. not more panic attack.

I took another deep breath, and this time I knew I could do it.

After that I surfed my one and only wave of the day and went in. I felt different. New. almost whole again. and that's when I realized that I was going to get back on track. I was going to get back to my lovely blog. I was going to let my body heal and take a few rest days before my race (still strengthen, just not worry about getting in my miles.) I was ready to be me again. and Damn does it feel great!

0 running

I lifted at my house (I used 4 textbooks as my weights, and now my legs are
surfing...more like running from waves...

thank you for listening, and your patients =]


  1. Mel, its so good to hear from you. Way to go! Im so proud of you, your strength and learning in life, the changes you go through. Sometimes I just want to be there, around the corner to make you coffee and hug you whenever you need it; but then I realize, that sometimes we need to go through things and its the experiences that help us grow. I've been doing a lot of solo growing and hurting and loving on my own lately and they have been the most enriching experiences of my life. Im sorry to hear of your troubles but so happy you are working through them and doing what need to be done. even if that thing is a panic attack.

    That said, if you ever need someone to come make you coffee or give you a hug let me know and I will drop what Im doing to be there. Love you way more than I can say. Wooooo!

    (Beautiful new background image btw!)

  2. this means a lot to me. I'm always happy to know that I have someone to depend on, that your there for me.
    I am on a journey, at times it's lonely but it's so much more strengthening. I am learning a lot about myself.
    I love you, and I am here for you too, not matter what.